Friday, July 1, 2011

Gotta love the husband for providing me with a space to vent out all of our frustrations during our adoption journey!!!!
So far, it has been a complete nightmare! Back when we were in the "thinking about it" phase, we attended an adoption conference on the Air base at which we are stationed. There were several guest speakers from a number of local adoption agencies - some from the local government, some charity groups and some church organizations. However, the opening speech came from an adoption Lawyer, who began by informing us that adoption should never cost much more than $5,000 to $8,000 and most of that should be claimed back in taxes.
Of course, he was referring to the organizations mentioned above, who then stood up and gave their somewhat impressive talks of their organization's work, the support systems, the effectiveness, timeliness of the adoption itself etc.etc. Two of them even went so far as to tell us they were desperate to find good adoptive families for children still awaiting someone to make such a lifelong commitment to them.
My husband and I dared to get a little excited at the prospect of finally becoming parents without a two year "saving up" period, and of course, without leaving ourselves destitute. My husband is rapidly climbing the ranks in his Air Force career and I am a qualified Social Worker, so we did not foresee any issues with the assessment process.
However, as I am actually a British Citizen, I questioned the agencies involved about the complexities of adopting when one Spouse is a foreign National. It was at that point that my dreams were beginning to shatter. The Local government representative basically said that although they were desperate, they were unable to accept "foreigners" in their adoption programs. The charity groups then informed us that as they were closely linked to the government, they had to abide by the governments rules. That left the religious organizations.......and, that's right.....you guessed it......you had to be of one certain religious persuasion or another to even be considered. Personally, I don't think that being of a certain religion is a prerequisite of being a good parent, but, as they say, rules are rules.
So, that was it. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I looked at my husband and demanded that we leave without staying to find out what the rest of the conference had in store.
It took several more days before I dared to start researching adoption online, but search I did. The list of non-profit agencies is seemingly endless and finding one that you are comfortable with is not an easy task. They all have different criteria; different processes; different levels of support; and varying degrees of risk. The one thing they all have in common however, is that they cost.......a lot!!!!
Don't get me wrong - despite my husbands choice of title for this blog, neither of us view it as "buying a baby"......more as "investing wisely in our family and our future". Even so, saving $25,000 to $30,000 is no easy task when the mortgage and utilities still need to be paid, cars need to be maintained and our two fur-babies (2 year old cockapoo and cocker spaniel) seem to do whatever it takes for yet another expensive outing to the vets office. Still, we live in hope and are currently exploring money making options outside of our normal work. We will keep you updated on our progress.

15 comments:

Neysa20f said...

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best in finding that perfect someone to help complete your family.

Anonymous said...

foreign!!! u would be foreign here in england now hun. lol. wishing u all the luck in the whole world, miss u. x
lots of hugs xxx jo xxx

Anonymous said...

but yet any dick can have a baby crazy crazy. good luck hun keep us foreighers updated lol. kelly. xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Good luck to you both in what looks like a mamoth uphill battle. Don't give up.
Cliff (Ex RAF)

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you both. I know you will both make wonderful parents. Keep your chins up and keep moving forward. I truly believe that it will happen and when it does all these things that you've had to go through will have been well worth it. Keeping you both in my prayers. Miss ya and please let me know if there's anything I can do. Even if it's just to vent. I'm right down the street. XOXOX
Diana

Lynda said...

Why doesn't it surprise me the hoops the US government make us immigrants jump through. They have no clue how to deal with us when they eventually let us in. It seems like a case of money talks, which is sad. Since we met you have been nothing but kind and caring to me and my family. You have a lot to offer a child. I hope this works out for you. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

Keep your chin up it will all be worth it in the end. xx

Ali x

Donald Allen said...

I appreciate the comments of support, and it has been difficult, at times, to keep it all together. Initially, Sarah had more of an emotional investment in the IVF, and then adoption process, than I did, but after the second IVF failed, I was a bit of a mess. It took me a bit to come around to the adoption idea, and the title of the blog was my first actual response, but now I'm full on board. Hell, it's why I volunteered to deploy so readily, just to help get the extra money!

Thanks again, especially for supporting us in this effort, and reading the blog! I just can't believe how into this Sarah's gotten. Yay!

Anonymous said...

Have you guys not looked in to finding a surrogate mum?Or is it not an option to you both?I hope you soon get what you want most. Its such a shame that people who would make wonderful parents cant and the ones that dont care about there kids keep having more. Im sure things will work out for you soon xxxx

Donald Allen said...

Surrogate mothers...geez. We kind of looked into that, but there's alot around that that's kind of fuzzy. First, whom do you ask? Second, many of the agencies charge more because they expect you to pay living costs during the pregnancy. And then, what if, at birth, the mother changes her mind? We dropped nearly all of our savings into IVF, and so now we think adoption is the best route for us to take.

Anonymous said...

Oh my I didnt even know they had agencies. Yes now you point those things out I suppose it isnt as easy as it sounds finding someone. God I really hope you guys get somewhere I really do. Its such a joke the whole adoption thing they go on about all these childeren that are in care and need homes,yet when you get genuine people who are desperate to have a child there is so much red tape to get through its awful. I know they have to make sure that the child is going to a safe loving home but surely there must be another way :( xx

Sara said...

I completely understand the problem of money. So many people ask me why we don't just adopt. As if it were that simple! They just don't understand what is involved in an adoption, cost being only one of these things. And it's not only the cost of the adoption itself. There are so many unexpected expenses that can and will crop up during the process. For us, that also includes moving, since our current house is too small to pass a home study (we are currently in a small one-bedroom house), and job-hunting expenses for the hubby (another strike against us and a LARGE part of why we're not currently actively pursuing adoption).

Good luck to you!!

Donald Allen said...

The moving part of my job in the Air Force is a concern for me. The money, sheesh, that's like a HUGE hurdle that we're trying to address. We did make a penny from this blog yesterday!!

Sarah said...

We hear you on those "unexpected expenses".....there have been so many so far for us, and our paperwork is not even completed yet. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I cannot even call then "unexpected" anymore. The only thing that seems guaranteed in all of this is that it's one gigantic uphill battle and there are many challenges thrown at you as if to purposefully make you fall flat on your face. However, as far as I'm concerned, most people who choose to adopt have already endured much more than their fare share of emotional turmoil and disappointment. If we take a second to look back and really examine the amount of courage and strength it took to get this far, we realize that we have already gone a long way to developing the coping mechanisms needed to see us through.....no matter what! Yes, it will be a bumpy ride; yes, there will be plenty more heartache and tears along the way; and yes there will be times when we want to give up and go hide in a dark corner for eternity, but we will get through it all....eventually! And be much better people for it. I firmly believe that when the time is right, it will happen. xx

Sara said...

Don't worry too much about the fact that you move a lot with the USAF. My cousin is in the Air Force and they adopted a little girl from China a few years ago - while living on Okinawa. They had to make a special trip to the US to get her passport changed and finalize her citizenship. They then moved to Norway, and are now living Stateside for the first time in their daughter's life (she's 6).

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