The truth of the matter is that it was my day off work. I had plenty of time to 'blog', but instead I filled my whole day up with hard manual labour tasks, so that I didn't have to think too hard about the guilty knot in the pit of my stomach.
Why do I feel so guilty?
I feel that I ought to be back in the UK celebrating with him. After all, it's not everyday someone celebrates that grand milestone.......some people don't even make it that far. But its not just that.
This is a man who has been my rock for 35 years. A man who taught me right from wrong; who was so patient with me when I hit the teenage years and literally turned into the devil child from hell; who has given me the determination to do things I never thought myself capable of; who was there for me and gave me strength (and money!) when I thought my world was falling apart and; who has equipped me with a range of skills and abilities to see me through this crazy life.
I owe him......a lot.
Despite this, I remain in Mississippi whilst my father celebrates his 60th without me.
The decision to stay here was probably one of the hardest I have made in my entire life.
Really, it came down to two things:
1) Money. At this time of year it costs about $1,200 just for the flight back to England, without allowing for spending money. That is one big chunk of cash that would have to be taken from the adoption fund. I do still have a British bank account which I left with enough funds to cover a flight and hotel in an emergency, but this isn't an emergency (Is it??). And if I did use it, then god forbid, something happens back home that requires an additional trip, I'm screwed.
2)Deployment. With my husband about to go off to war, I feel I should be spending as much time as possible with him. He may not come back at all, then I would feel even more guilty for not spending every available second in his company. Not that I love my husband more than I love my dad......how do you even rate that???. More that the deployment is risky and although my father may have a few health issues, I don't think he's planning on going anywhere, any time soon. (Dad......please stay out of the pubs, and if you must drink, then make it a red wine.....it's better for the heart, I hear!!) "Subtlety" is definitely not my middle name....lol!!!
So there you have it! Sometimes no matter what you do, you can't help feeling you made the wrong decision. That guilty knot in the pit of my stomach does not seem to want to go away. Part of me feels like I am being totally selfish, but at the same time, I live in hope that my father will understand.
I love you dad xxxx